you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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