At least make sure they are 18
Why
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
