Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
