I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
