So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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