just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
