halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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