So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
