I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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