I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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