guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
