Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I AM VODKA MAN
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
