I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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