I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
