he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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