I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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