I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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