he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
