Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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