I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
