I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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