A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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