Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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