the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
