No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
