Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i will never coherently bang her
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
