I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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