I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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