Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
