i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
