everyone is single if you try hard enough
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
