so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
