someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
