Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
