god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
