I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
