At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
