community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
