Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
