I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
