Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
