3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
