i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
