So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
