and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
