i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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