My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
