My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
