Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
