On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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