Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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